Lillie Cashion Coaching
Lillie Cashion Coaching

Think on this


We have all seen those instances where someone (maybe even ourselves) has said something negative like “I’m such a loser,” and someone immediately comes back with “Don’t say that! You don’t really feel that way!” or some other attempt to help that only drives the person further into hopelessness. The reason is that he now has two problems. He has the initial problem that he felt so negative about, and then he feels that he is all alone and has no one who truly understands. That is why people who try to help others by talking them out of what they feel are usually no help all. It is also the reason why research has for decades proven that you can help desperate people immensely by giving them no answers at all, and only giving them empathy.

Further, other research has shown that emotional invalidation is the basis of many character disorders that lead people to psychiatric illnesses as well as poor performance in academics. It has been shown to be a factor in almost all that is wrong with people, physiological and organic causes notwithstanding. “Stop crying or I’ll give to cry about!” does more than make a child be quiet. It damages the child from her own feelings and inner states. As a result, she can develop a host of impulse problems as well as emo­tional and relational issues that affect her functioning.

The real reason for that breakdown lies in the breakdown in the structure of the relationship itself, which is where we get all of our capaci­ties for performance. As the child disengages from the parent or caretaker, he or she has lost connection with the source of the func­tions that he needs to learn and internalize. So, impulse control, discipline, empathy, reality testing, emotional regulation, hope, trust, judgment, and the other things that children get from caretakers become unavailable as the connection is lost. The child is now alone, and without the capacities he or she needs.


Dr. Henry Cloud

Integrity, pgs 66-67

It's not Prom night

Tonight after putting my 18-month old daughter down for the night - and while my husband was still putting our four-year old down, I was flipping through Facebook and noticing all the Prom pictures. My friends' kids. Nieces and nephews even. Beautiful faces and lovely dresses. Handsome boys. Excited faces. Nervous ones, too. Proud parents. Nervous parents, too. As I'm lost in a sea of dresses, I hear her cry out. Huh? That's unlike her. She ate well. She's bathed. Has a clean diaper. Check. Check. Check. Cries continue. I slowly get up - hoping the slower I move maybe the cries will fade. Or better yet, stop all together. But alas, outside her door, she cries again. I go in. Pick her up in the dark. Begin to rock her. She melts into my arms. Soon her breathing slows. I love that feeling. You know the one. Her body so perfectly on mine. The smell. The breathing. The hair. Slowly rocking, I begin to talk to her in my mind. 'In 15 years you will be going to Prom. Half smile, half sigh. You won't need me then like you need me right now. In 15 years you won't need me the same way. Sure, on Prom night you will need me. Just differently. You will need me to not embarrass you. Not to take too many pictures. Not be too invested. Not ask too many questions. Just enough to know I care. Maybe a few glances from a distance to assure you - I want you to have fun. It's ok. Everything's going to be alright.'


Her breathing has grown even slower now. Deeper. Now I don't want to put her down. I don't want it to end. This feeling. It's not Prom night tonight and she needs me. Today she still needs the simple things that I can give. Not too hard to figure out.  My embrace. My love. The safety of my arms tonight (more) 

Making Relationships Work

Relationships matter. They affect every aspect of our lives. We can be successful at most anything in work and life but if our significant relationships are suffering, life feels bad. My work ranges from marriages, parenting and dating to co-workers and in-laws. And, a lot in between. 

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15245 Waterfront Drive
Huntersville, NC 28078

Phone: +1 336 8805592


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